If you try to hold onto your Christ-less lifestyle, you will not find the life that matters, but if you live identified with Christ, will find true purpose and contentment in life. —Luke 9:24 (King Jimmy Translation).
“The Oldest Off-Color Joke in The Church”
Warning! Discretion advised when reading the following story about the oldest, off-color joke told in the church.
I first heard this joke years ago, while a freshman in high school. Told by an old-fashioned Pentecostal preacher to a spellbound audience, my shocked innocence reeled that such a scurrilous tale came from the pulpit. Remembering my puritanical upbringing, it remains a mystery to me how this preacher avoided public defrocking and flogging. Privately, pious parishioners gathered behind closed doors to re-tell the unholy story, then laughed so hard they snorted like a pig, which added to their guilt, seeing that Jesus didn’t eat pork. Once the laughter subsided, they formed a prayer circle since repentance was mandatory.
The counter-culture of the 60s and 70s loosened the standards of protocol for repeating this joke in church. Still, devout parents scrambled to plug their children’s ears if the preacher told the joke. Although the punchline remained intense, the “free-love” era now made repentance optional.
So, with a brief history of the oldest sordid joke in the church, your humble Aggie scribe presents the story. Again, be warned—the end is graphic.
A lady evangelist came to town and set up a revival tent. The sawdust was spread, the pulpit and loud speakers set up, and chairs aligned with enough room in the middle to allow running. Several local churches participated in the nightly revival meetings.
One night, while preaching the gospel, the lady evangelist got “happy.” She ran. She jumped. She shouted “the end is near” with such conviction that Lucifer would have repented.
As she jumped over the first row of the local religious dignitaries, suddenly her skirt fell completely off. The audiences’ gasps sucked the oxygen out of the tent. There she stood with her skirt down around her ankles, exposed in front of the stunned, but happy, audience—clad only in her slip and holding her 17-lb. King James Scofield Study Bible. (I warned you this was intense.)
A local pastor, gifted with the wisdom of Solomon, stood up and declared, “Everyone, cover your eyes. God will strike blind anyone who looks up here.”
On the back row, an old man struggled to rise and faced the front. He slowly dropped his hand covering his right eye and said, “I think I’ll risk one eye.”
(Please use this time for personal repentance after reading such off-color material.)
You need to be like that old man, Jimmy, I heard the Spirit say.
“What?” I laughed. “Am I hearing you right, Lord?” I questioned if I’d heard the Lord or if that cheap pizza the night before affected my brain. “You want me to become a ‘sneak-a-peek Aggie?’”
No, Jimmy. The Holy Spirit sighed. I want you to become a risk-taker again—take risks of faith. Let’s review your past, okay, Aggie?
“Go for it, Lord.”
You’ve walked with Me over thirty-five years but you have grown too comfortable. You’ve become a little stagnant in your faith.
“I have, Lord?” Of course, he was right.
Why did you stop taking faith-risks? Step out in faith and do something. If I tell you to do something, you know I’ve got your back.
Sweat formed on my brow as sudden fear gripped me. “Your last command to your followers was to go into all the world and preach the gospel.” Nervously, I pleaded with the Lord. “I just retired, Lord. Please don’t tell me to sell everything and start a mission in Mauritania or some ‘I-stink-i-stan’ country.
Oh, no. I haven’t called you for that.
Whew. That’s a relief. I gave the standard Christ-follower’s not-me-Lord excuse. “There are so many things I cannot do. You know I struggle with several of the Ten Commandments every day, so how can you use me, Lord?”
Why do you think I put my Holy Spirit to live within you? Believe me, Aggie, I know your imperfections quite well, but I can still use you. My Spirit lives within you because you cannot do on your own what I ask you to do. Therefore, my Spirit guides you, strengthens you, and helps you do the things I ask you to do.
“Where do I start, Lord? I’m listening.”
You can start by admitting you’ve tried to live this Christian life on your own strength. Are we frustrated yet?
“Well . . . sometimes?”
Here’s the deal, Aggie. Once you’ve identified with Me, you have lost your life to this world. People won’t treat you the same anymore, maybe even hate you. They really enjoy condemning you, calling you a hypocrite. But if you belong to me, you’re no longer condemned.
“That’s reassuring, Jesus.”
Some friends will turn their backs on you. I how you feel because they did the same to me, so don’t fear. Get involved in the ministries at your church or charities, serving others. There’s plenty to do. I’ve got you covered. But step out in adventures in faith and take the risks!
“I’ll be a risk-taker for you, Lord.”
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Lord, help us to be servants to you and others as we walk in faith-adventures with you. I pray everyone who calls you their Lord will find a place of ministry where they can grow and flourish. Thank you, Jesus
Stay close to Jesus
Jimmy
P.S. I’m thankful God called me to write annoying stories and didn’t send me to the mission field in Oklahomistan.
Jimmy Eskew © 2015
THANKFUL 
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